Discovering My Own Extraordinariness, for the Very First Time

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personal growth, self-talk, spiritual growth, subconcious, subconsciousness

For the first time in my life, I am truly appreciating the extraordinariness of myself. I’m appreciating me for real.

All the past affirmations saying that “I love myself” pale in the face of this revelation.

I finally see the extraordinary qualities in me—including that of being extremely intuitive—and don’t give a hoot about whether anybody else sees that or even understand what that means. I used to be frustrated because I just couldn’t get other people to appreciate me for who I really am. Or more likely, I refused to completely give in to any of the compliments showered on me—because I simply did not believe, in my heart of hearts, that I deserved them. I didn’t believe I was truly that great. There was a tiny little voice that kept on nagging in the back of my mind, “No, you’re not that great. Don’t get carried away.”

Little did I know, that this tiny voice has its origin in my mother. When I was young, I was a straight-A student. She was perhaps not unlike what is known today as a “tiger mom.” What characterized her interactions with me was, even though she was elated and proud of me each time I got a top score in my test or exam at school, she would immediately put a damper on my happiness by saying, “Don’t be proud. Work harder next time.”

I got a boxful of pencils, each representing a 100% score in a test. This box was lost after I moved to the United States and studied for my college degree. Why or how was it lost? Nobody in our constantly moving family knows, but it might have been a subconscious abandonment of the past achievements, each of which had been marred by a prerogative remark by my mother, who, out of her limited wisdom, merely wanted me to aim at ever-higher goals in life so that one day, I will become extraordinary—in her eyes.

But her eyes are constantly shifting to higher and higher goals, so in order to please her, I am on a tread mill that exhausts me to no end. Her love is based on extrinsic conditions. She never showed me that she would love me no…matter…what!

So I learned to become a human “doing.” I tried to constantly outdo myself, in the quest of becoming more and more perfect in whatever I did—to fulfill this perfectionist mom’s desires. I even continued long after I left the nest 20-some years ago. That little voice of hers has apparently rented the most precious space in my mind.

Now it has just dawned on me, that all the frustrations I have felt toward the world—the frustrations that nobody understands or appreciates me fully, comes from that negative little voice. It has prevented me from seeing the full glory of my “self.” It is like a blinder that limits my vision—inward.

Today is the day I finally took off the blinder and see myself clearly, for the first time.

No, it’s not a dramatic scene like the sky opened up with sun rays shining down. The revelation came bit by bit, while I was doing chores in the kitchen, waiting for the bus, falling half asleep during my commute. I am left gasping for air trying to fathom the vastness of this revelation. Yet the effect is already palpable. I no longer feel the desperate need to seek outward recognition. There is such a tremendous sense of contentment and inner peace. To write this all down and to share with you is not an attempt to get some “likes.” My fingers are dancing on the keyboard, urging me to spill it out and share it with the world: This is the day to celebrate myself!

And from now on, every single day will be a celebration!

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Finally, Something My Father Would’ve been Proud of, and it’s not What You Think

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epiphany, false beliefs, fulfillment, inner self, Landmark Forum, life, parenting, personal growth, self-healing, self-talk, spiritual, subconcious

Yesterday I had the chance to listen to a Chinese-American lady, B, tell a personal story of how she grew up feeling inadequate because of a simple sentence her father said to her: “You have not done anything that makes me proud yet.” She said she had never managed to stop crying every time that sentence was repeated in her mind. As well, her mother always conveyed the message that nothing she has ever done is “good enough.”

Two things flashed across my mind when I listened to her story. “Joy Luck Club” and myself. Just like the protagonist in the movie and B, nothing I’ve ever done has made my parents proud — yet. And no matter how much I strive, nothing I ever do is “good enough” in my mother’s eyes.

B went to one of the Top 20 universities in the United States. Her father would’ve been proud of her — except that she did not choose an “Asian subject,” such as engineering or architecture. Instead, she chose art and design. Today, she works as a graphic designer for a children’s theater group. And that’s not good enough for her mother. “You should’ve gone to work for Disney or Pixar,” she was told.

In most cases, parents do not mean to hurt their kids, but Chinese parents have this habit or tradition of not showering their kids with praise — lest they become too proud and stop to make improvements. This is exactly the environment in which I grew up. Even though I was always the top student in my class, eventually becoming one of only eight students in a city of 6 million to receive a government scholarship to study in America, I was still “not good enough.” I never heard my parents say “I’m so proud of you, daughter.” Nope. I should’ve chosen an “Asian subject,” I should’ve married a rich guy, bought a house and invited them to live with me. Then my life would have been a great “success,” and their lives would have been “complete.” All these conditions for their love and approval have left me feeling burdened, depressed and defeated.

I actually did compromise by not choosing to study art. Still, journalism wasn’t “Asian” enough, if you know what I mean. Being a writer would never bring in as much money as being a banker would, for example. But I realize that even this compromise was a big mistake as I didn’t follow my heart. I would probably have been so much happier and more successful in pursuing an art-related career. Regardless, my whole life has turned into a big disappointment for my parents, and I have lived under this shadow for too long.

B finally made a breakthrough this past weekend. She was finally able to see the blockages and blinders in her life and remove them. She told a most recent happening in which she managed to redo all the design work she had lost after a computer crash, and managed to print brochures just in time for her clients. Her clients are very happy and she is finally able to see how awesome she really is. She doesn’t have to work for Disney or Pixar in order to feel a sense of achievement. Rather, she celebrates this triumph instead of giving in to that “little voice” in her mind, which previously kept on putting herself down.

I was so touched by her story, that I went up to her and told her how our stories are alike, and how she is lucky that she has resolved this issue in her heart — while her father is still alive. For me, my father has already passed on, and I would never be able to hear him say, “I’m so proud of you, daughter.” All I can remember was that at his death bed, he uttered to me, “Go and do something unique, something that is representative of you in your life.” In the face of this perfect stranger, tears poured out of my eyes.

Rain was pouring down heavily this morning. I went up to my roof and tended my newly built vegetable garden. After some hard work, I was able to sit down and enjoy the presence of the greens. I looked at them with great joy, spending a good amount of time in silence. For those of you who have pets, it is the same feeling of happiness to be surrounded by beings that you love, except that in my case, it is a less “dynamic” kind of happiness. Suddenly, a voice in my head told me, “Dad would be so proud of you for all this!”

Really? Yes, really! Dad is the one who gave me the gift of love for plants. He had a small flower garden outside the windows of our apartment when we were kids. I must have inherited his tender feelings toward plants. Another thing I have inherited from him is the love for beauty and for art, expressed in photography and paintings. This was a moment of epiphany. Yes, why wouldn’t dad be proud of this seemingly minute thing that no one would even put a label of “success” on? He would be so happy to sit there with me in my tiny garden and enjoyed a cup of coffee.

It dawned on me that it doesn’t take a huge external event in our lives to transform how we feel about ourselves. All it takes is a shift in how we see ourselves, and a simple action of dropping the tainted glasses we have been wearing all our lives — for good.

How We are Defined by Our Archetypes

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13 zodiac signs, astrology, astronomy, personal growth, spiritual musings

Recently it came to my attention that the Western zodiac has been missing a sign—Ophiuchus (the holder of the snakes). This news came out in the media back in 2011 but it did not reach my ears then. It was through a book that my husband has been reading that the “revelation” came through. Apparently, the new science of “archeoastronomy” has lent this fact—which has been known in the astronomy field all along—extra material credence.

There are tons of materials on the Internet about the 13 zodiac signs—how that “discovery” came about and the different interpretations of what it means. What I want to write about, though, is the observations on myself and other people after realizing that our Sun signs have changed.

I have changed from being an Aquarius to Capricorn, while my husband has changed from being a Libra to Virgo, both from an “air” sign to an “earth” sign.

Let me just talk about myself: Capricorn is defined by the characteristics of “organization” and “hard work.” It also is a cardinal sign, signaling leadership. Suddenly light bulbs went off in my and my husband’s heads. “Of course!” he said to me. “It fits you to a tee! You have always been such a good organizer.” It is true. Ever since I was a child, I have been extremely well organized in the practical aspects of my life. In fact, I love order so much that my husband sometimes jokes that I am more Germanic than him (who grew up in Switzerland). I still remember when I was in elementary school, I was such a “neat freak” that I could close my eyes and be able to go through all the books in my school bag by touching them and telling which one was which in the exact order. Also, being a cardinal sign makes sense, as I started off as a strong student leader in school all the way up until the end of high school. But somewhere down the road, I got lost. Well, that’s another story for another time. Hardworking has always been my trademark since my school days. I have since become lazier but the diligent streak is alive and kicking in areas of my life where I find passion! Lastly, the fact that I’m an “earth” sign made me feel like I landed from the clouds to the ground. Funnily enough, I and hubby have been doing “earthing” for a few days now, walking barefooted on the sand to discharge our positive ions and absorb the negative ions from Earth’s surface. It seems as though we were preparing ourselves for this “earth-shattering” news, ha ha!

While I am not interested in daily horoscope forecasts and believe that the zodiac Sun sign only influences a fraction of our personalities, the change of the birth sign that I’ve identified myself with nonetheless has had a profound effect on my psyche. For example, when I identified myself with being Aquarius, I had the words “original,” “outsider,” “visionary,” “intellectual,” “futuristic” and “humanitarian (love for humanity rather than love for individuals)” in mind. In a subconscious way, I was guided by these words and allowed my life to be shaped by them. While I was proud of possessing these qualities, at the same time there was a sense of unease as my practical side just did not seem to match the “spacey” quality of this air sign at all. Also, being an “outsider” and constantly being misunderstood wasn’t a fun feeling at all. Now that I can identify with the qualities that have always been a part of me, I find it satisfying and safe to continue on my path—hard work and determination will eventually lead to success! Yes, I’ll let that be my guiding motto from now on. In addition, I realize that I can very well be a leader in the field of my choice! For a long time, I have been having strong doubts about my ability to succeed in life. I have been sort of drifting along—not gaining much success in most areas of my life, not knowing that I had not been fully leveraging my gifts and strengths. But with a change of sign—it really is about the shift in awareness—I feel that I am ready for a new path.

At the same time, the sign of Aquarius will still stay with me to a certain extent, as I can still identify with some of its qualities, such as being visionary and original. What a wonderful gift to be able to straddle the two signs! What a bonus 😉

In fact, many of my friends who have found their signs changed also share the same feeling. My conclusion is: We are more defined by what we label ourselves and/or what others label us—the archetypes, than who we really are. We are surely a mixture of all and then some! Our lives—and thus our destiny in this life time—are defined not only by our stars, but also by our upbringing, our cultural and social environments, our relationships and our experiences. At the end of the day, we get to choose who we want to be.

Two more interesting observations:

Those who have changed from Virgo to Leo are almost without fail very proud of the shift. Perhaps this resembles the case of the lion in “Wizard of Oz.” He was timid and cowardly until he was given a powerful drink by the Wizard. My guess is that these new-found Leos will also come out of their previous selves and act more boldly in whatever they set their minds on.

Since the signs of people around me have changed, I have started to look at them and related with them from a new perspective. It is really eye-opening. I encourage you to try the same—you might be pleasantly surprised!