After my surgery, I have changed a lot as a person. The disease I had been trying to fight—uterine fibroid tumors—had given me a great spiritual lesson—of letting go of the need to control everything and trusting others to do their jobs. It is the flow of the yin and the yang energy that was lacking in my life (too much yan and not enough yin), and this eventually turned into stagnation, which manifested into tumors (stasis). Life is all about energy behind the thick veil of solid matters. As we are all made of energy, the blockage of its flow inevitably led to imbalance in the form of sickness.
A long time ago I was told that I had control and trust issues. I did not understand what they meant. Since I was a little child I had learned to rely on myself to get things done. Over the years, I have found that that was the only way that I could get things done in the perfect way that I wanted. And perfection has been an underlying goal in whatever I do, probably due to the fact that my mother is a perfectionist! Oh well, I don’t mean to “blame” her, but you know how we all pick up attributes from our parents as children do not have any choice of what they “pick up” in the first six years of their lives. At that stage we were all like a sponge, absorbing everything into our subconsciousness. Sure enough, my mom was also a so-called “control freak.”
This need to control everything and the outcomes of everything has become a part of my personality. I did get most of everything my way—up until a certain point, of course. It was then when I felt frustrated. And the frequency increased exponentially as time went by. I think the part where I felt most out of control was when other people do not behave the way I had wished them to, especially when it comes to their promises or what I expected of them because they’re “supposed to” behave in a certain way. But my yardstick was high, especially for those who are close to me. This inherently led to an enormous sense of being let down. Now I have realized that it wasn’t the people who disappointed me. It was I who set myself up to be let down. It was a no-win situation.
Not until after my surgery did I drop that need to control. I was at a tipping point where I finally had to let other people do their jobs without me. Prior to the surgery, I had to hire an assistant to carry on my work during the month of my sick leave. I had to assign work to the assistant and trust her 100 percent. Then I had to show my husband how to prepare and bring home-cooked food to the hospital so that I could get the best post-surgery nourishment. Of course, I also had to give a huge amount of trust to my surgeon and the anesthesiologist. I realized that all of these things could be achieved—through delegation and trust. Of course, I did invest a good amount of research, hard work and planning into the delegation. But once my part was done, I just had to let go.
I think the epiphany of my “letting go” came at the moment I was put to sleep at the operating theater and then woken up again after the surgery. It felt like two minutes had past, and without having to do anything on my part, I was told that everything went well! What a great relief!
Dr. Christian Northrup, world-renown women’s health author, doctor and motivational speaker, has once written about the emotional cause of fibriod tumors. She said the condition is related to the feeling of living in a dead-end situation when it comes to work or relationships. Based on my own experience, I think there is quite a lot of truth in it. But I want to stress the word “feeling.” It is actually the feeling that had led to the sickness, not the reality itself.
Now that I have had the tumors removed, I can look ahead and pave a new path for myself in all both areas of my life—and I am paying special attention to the way I feel. Feeling is the language of the universe; the vibration of a particular emotion attracts more of the same (the “Law of Attraction”).
Today, I feel a lot freer to move around and explore my choices. I suddenly realize that I don’t have to feel any particular way that is set in stone and in line with the cultural norm and what is being perpetrated in the media. Everything is up to myself—how I make a choice in every situation, how I choose to feel, what I choose to think and through what lens I choose to look at people and the world around me.
I have mentioned my previous lack of yin energy and the domination of yan energy inside me. This illness has taught me what it means to “allow” and “receive”—the essence of the yin energy. What I’ve realized is that the uterus is the predominant yin/female organ. It is like a bowl, meant to nurture and nourish life. But it also needs to open itself up, and receive and hold what is good for itself, such as love and compassion, so that it can give once again. What I had been doing throughout my adulthood was to give and overgive in search for a reciprocation of the same in my life. The pitfalls were twofold: (1) one cannot receive if one does not empty the vessel; and (2) one cannot control the results of giving—True giving and compassion need not ask for any returns, at least not the exact same things that we expect!
So yes, a new path of womanhood lies in front of me. On this path, I will allow others to live their lives and to relate to me in their own ways. I will also receive love and respect from others without feeling guilty or indebted. Most important of all, I will enjoy each and every moment like a child does!